A Lesson from Last 2017
(To be clear we are speaking of those not adopted by their own kin. Outside adoptions to complete strangers set up through a third party. )
Sometimes those who are adopted have a strong desire to belong. A deep desire to fit in. One that never really comes to them in their adopted families. The whispers from the kitchen, the adult who is still being sat with the kids at holiday gatherings. The one grandchild who is lumped in with the great-grandchildren it's all these little things that the child and even some adults who were adopted find in their families. Seems time does not change this. As the child grows into an adult it still occurs.
Once in a while ( more often with the age of technology ) those kids grow up and get the chance to meet their biological families. As an adopted individual all the above was true for me. Even though my connection with a few of my biological brothers is very strong. Its very clear I've not fit in. I'm the older sister who feels they should have been there for them in their hard times. To protect them from certain things that have occurred. However, since when as humans do we get to pick our own path.
As my life has continued from being raised by some amazing people who I have the honor to call Mom and Dad. There are people on both mom and dads side who have always made me feel different. Not the same as those around me. I have no physical attributes of theirs. My ability to understand both sides is there. However with Family, if you can accept someone who marries in as the family why can't you accept that a family member has elected to adopt a child as an infant and raise them.
Over 30 plus years of life this has occured. Certain family members never accepted me, its clear as day in my mid-thirties to me that this is the case. Then I met my biological family in my 20's not all of them accepted me and some of my adopted family treated me even worse after this. It's hard to explain how one person can feel as if they don't fit in with family. For me, this has been the case.
Now lets put this in perspective a bit more. As amazing as my youth was being raised an only child and in a Military home which I am grateful for. As it has enhanced my ability to understand the drive of our military and the members who serve as well as their support at home. It also causes insecurity with making friends. Always afraid of the next move. Even now as an adult the walls are pretty high around my heart and feelings. Likely why I am not married. It takes me a while to trust those around me. It takes me a long time to fully believe someone cares about me.
It has happened time and time again. I put my heart out and support someone with dream ambitious and goals and I am thrown away like a piece of the train. Specifically, a kleenex or any other one-time use item. I've put myself in friendships that from all appearances seemed amazing almost like the family I have never had. The understanding supportive and loyal family I have dreamed of. It hurts when it collapses again and again. You start to have those feelings of, is it me? Is this why I am adopted? Is this why I have never fit in? Why is it so hard to build a lasting connection. The constant fear of being rejected by those around you rather friends, family or colleagues is ever present. You start to doubt those you should not. The progress you have seen in recent times starts to fade. You feel the darkness of being along creep back in your life.
I'm not sure what the answer is, I am unsure if every adopted person has this when they meet their biological families. I don't regret my biological mothers choice to give me up for a better life. I don't regreat being an only child to my parents who chose me. What I wish I could forget is the never ending feeling of not belonging. The people in families lives who have never truly understood who I am and how I can care so deeply for people I dont realy know. Maybe its because sometimes it easier to love strangers when you can have the distance and protect your self from the consistant hurt of non excpetance.
Sometimes those who are adopted have a strong desire to belong. A deep desire to fit in. One that never really comes to them in their adopted families. The whispers from the kitchen, the adult who is still being sat with the kids at holiday gatherings. The one grandchild who is lumped in with the great-grandchildren it's all these little things that the child and even some adults who were adopted find in their families. Seems time does not change this. As the child grows into an adult it still occurs.
Once in a while ( more often with the age of technology ) those kids grow up and get the chance to meet their biological families. As an adopted individual all the above was true for me. Even though my connection with a few of my biological brothers is very strong. Its very clear I've not fit in. I'm the older sister who feels they should have been there for them in their hard times. To protect them from certain things that have occurred. However, since when as humans do we get to pick our own path.
As my life has continued from being raised by some amazing people who I have the honor to call Mom and Dad. There are people on both mom and dads side who have always made me feel different. Not the same as those around me. I have no physical attributes of theirs. My ability to understand both sides is there. However with Family, if you can accept someone who marries in as the family why can't you accept that a family member has elected to adopt a child as an infant and raise them.
Over 30 plus years of life this has occured. Certain family members never accepted me, its clear as day in my mid-thirties to me that this is the case. Then I met my biological family in my 20's not all of them accepted me and some of my adopted family treated me even worse after this. It's hard to explain how one person can feel as if they don't fit in with family. For me, this has been the case.
Now lets put this in perspective a bit more. As amazing as my youth was being raised an only child and in a Military home which I am grateful for. As it has enhanced my ability to understand the drive of our military and the members who serve as well as their support at home. It also causes insecurity with making friends. Always afraid of the next move. Even now as an adult the walls are pretty high around my heart and feelings. Likely why I am not married. It takes me a while to trust those around me. It takes me a long time to fully believe someone cares about me.
It has happened time and time again. I put my heart out and support someone with dream ambitious and goals and I am thrown away like a piece of the train. Specifically, a kleenex or any other one-time use item. I've put myself in friendships that from all appearances seemed amazing almost like the family I have never had. The understanding supportive and loyal family I have dreamed of. It hurts when it collapses again and again. You start to have those feelings of, is it me? Is this why I am adopted? Is this why I have never fit in? Why is it so hard to build a lasting connection. The constant fear of being rejected by those around you rather friends, family or colleagues is ever present. You start to doubt those you should not. The progress you have seen in recent times starts to fade. You feel the darkness of being along creep back in your life.
I'm not sure what the answer is, I am unsure if every adopted person has this when they meet their biological families. I don't regret my biological mothers choice to give me up for a better life. I don't regreat being an only child to my parents who chose me. What I wish I could forget is the never ending feeling of not belonging. The people in families lives who have never truly understood who I am and how I can care so deeply for people I dont realy know. Maybe its because sometimes it easier to love strangers when you can have the distance and protect your self from the consistant hurt of non excpetance.
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